A woman was criticized in a popular online forum after it was revealed that she ignored her boyfriend's "racist" microaggression aimed toward her stepsister.
The Original Poster (OP), also known as u/aita_pretending, posted about the situation in Reddit's popular "Am I The A******" forum where it received over 12,700 upvotes and 1,100 comments. The post can be found here.
What is a Microaggression?
"Microaggressions are ways that people are invalidated or where stereotypes are embedded in what somebody is saying," Tania Israel, Ph.D. and author of Beyond Your Bubble: How to Connect Across the Political Divide, Skills and Strategies for Conversations That Work, told Newsweek.
"These are things that reinforce some of the negative things that people are already experiencing in our society when they are part of a marginalized group."
As Israel explained, microaggressions on their own are small or off-handed comments that can be brushed off; however, when an individual experiences them often, it can become exhausting.
"Microaggressions are really common and they are very often unintentional," Israel said. "At the same time, they can be damaging to the person who is receiving them."
Oftentimes, the person saying the microaggressions might not comprehend why the comment was racially insensitive.
"Take into account that the person might not be aware of it," Israel said.
Rather than attempt to debate or confront the individual, Israel recommends trying to explain why the comment was harmful.
'AITA?'
In the post titled "AITA for pretending not to understand a joke so that my step sister's boyfriend would have to explain it?" the 18-year-old OP said she lives with her dad and his wife Hannah, Hannah's daughter Grace, 20, and their half brother, 8.
Since Grace is in college, she only stays at the house on weekends. Recently, Grace brought her boyfriend Issac, 21, home for the weekend.
"I'm biracial, my dad is white and my mom is black," the teen wrote. "Honestly I don't look anything like my dad so most people don't even think I am mixed. We like to joke that I got his personality instead of his looks."
The OP said she receives enough comments about how she doesn't look the way she is "supposed to" that she is "used to it."
"Especially since my dad ended up married to a woman that is also white so like every time I'm with them it obviously looks like I'm the odd one out," the post read. "I'm not afraid to correct people, but sometimes that gets exhausting and I'll just play dumb instead."
In an attempt to get the OP to like Issac, Grace brought him to their planned lunch. While they were eating, the conversation surrounding OP's mother was brought up.
In response, Issac said it must have been "a shock" to her dad that she "ended up so dark" when "most mixed kids" tend to have lighter complexions.
"But then he said that at least I ended up with 'good hair' so I didn't lose out completely," the post read. "Grace didn't speak up and say anything to him about it, so I pretended not to understand what he meant."
The OP asked Issac what he thought she was "losing out on" and he became flustered trying to explain that "most girls" with her complexion have curlier hair.
"So then I asked why he thought my hair was good just because it wasn't that curly," the post read. "He said he felt it just looked nicer. So I asked why he thought that textured hair didn't look just as nice."
Eventually, Grace chimed in and asked the OP to "cut it out" and leave Issac alone. The OP paid for her food and left after the comments and said that Grace was mad at her even though she did not tell her dad or Hannah about the situation.
'Not Your Job'
After the OP's dad asked that they makeup, Grace explained that she was "pissed" that she made Issac look like a "jerk" by "playing dumb."
The OP said she did not need to make Issac look like a jerk because he was one, but Grace said that the problem was "drawn out more than necessary" when she could have just told Issac he messed up.
"I mean I could have done that, but I don't think it should be my job to," the OP wrote. "Plus I feel like it was probably more effective to get him to explain his logic outloud rather than have me tell him he was being a jerk."
Eventually, the OP told her dad and Hannah about the argument and both told her she did nothing wrong.
Hannah agreed to talk to Grace about the situation and the OP's dad said Issac was no longer welcome at their home.
"Dad also gave me a mini motivational speech where he reiterated that I look perfect just the way I am and that colorist/texturist/racist bigots have no place in our family or our home," the post read.
Redditor Reactions
Over 1,100 users commented on the post, many criticizing the OP's stepsister for not speaking up on her behalf.
"I am also biracial (black and white) and was raised by my blond haired blue eyed white mom," one user commented. "So I can empathize with having to deal with very frequent micro (and sometimes macro) aggressions. Playing dumb is often the most effective way to get people to comprehend their own prejudice."
"NTA and well done. Isaac was being racist, and he made himself look bad," another user commented.
"You did him a big favor by humiliating him and forcing him to reflect on his racism," another wrote. "If you'd called him a jerk he could've just got mad at you and moved on. You dragged it out and he's going to keep feeling it. Maybe it won't change him, but there's a chance that it will."
"NTA. It's bad enough that casual strangers feel ok being racist to you," another commented. "Having somebody you're close to bring one to lunch, that just sucks on a whole other level. Keep making them explain their 'jokes.'"
"OP, it is not your job to educate white people when we are being racist," another wrote. "It is our job to educate ourselves and each other. If Grace wants to point a finger, she should look in the mirror. NTA."
How to Talk About Racism
According to Israel, the responsibility of educating people about their microaggressions should not rest on the targeted individual.
"The people I always want to speak to more about this are the witnesses, the allies or the potential allies, the people who can intervene in this who aren't the ones being targeted," Israel said. "This is where we have tremendous potential to try to shift people's roles."
In shifting these roles, the person who committed the microaggression can learn how their comment was inappropriate without the pressure being put on the targeted individual. Instead, this obligation to educate should lie on the witnesses or allies.
Israel said it is best to avoid confrontation or debate and rather use the incident to educate the individual while keeping in mind that the targeted individual is probably exhausted.
"The person who is receiving the microaggression has a pass on however they respond to that," Israel said. "It's not their responsibility. There are more skillful ways of dealing with that but I understand why people don't always use those."
Newsweek reached out to u/aita_pretending for comment.
Other Viral Posts
In another viral Reddit post, an engineer was criticized for telling an employee that her teammates were intimidated by her "exotic beauty."
Commenters also slammed a woman for uttering "racist comments" about her 16-year-old stepdaughter. One parent was praised online for punishing his stepson after he said a racial slur.
If you have a similar family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
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